there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
