Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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