My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
