It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
