so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
3pm strippers are depressing
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
