i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think I am morally bankrupt
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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