Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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