my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
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you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
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This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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