In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
