her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
