i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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