Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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