$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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