ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
