Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer