I can text with my tongue
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
