you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.