just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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