She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
