so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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