We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
