i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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