no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
