I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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