I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
