I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
