My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize