I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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