What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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