I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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