they need to just BURY HIM!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
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Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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