I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
