I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
