he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize