sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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