no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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