allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
