U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
