it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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