quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
