I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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