I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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