When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
