***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
