Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
