I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
