Your tits are I can't wait for
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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