Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
