Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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