I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
