Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
