I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
