i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
