just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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