I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
