The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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