i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i can't believe i had my finger in that
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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