The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
