I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
