He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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