Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
