sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
