I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
