You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize