TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
